i was showing my mom julia's pictures from prom

"why so much boob?"
"she looks like a movie star!"

she was pointing at a closeup of someone's chest, and said: stapie...staple...stapiee....
i said: naples, mama?
she said: yes! are those naples's boobie?

i don't know why she was pronouncing each syllable so clearly, but she was. after i said yes, those are indeed her boobs, she asked: why are there so many pictures of boobs? i said: i dunno. they like 'em. i didn't think it was funny, but she laughed so hard she choked on a strawberry then sat in front of the computer coughing. afterwards, she looks at me with this wide-eyed worry face, and asks: what if it's in my lung?

i dunno. you're the doctor.

i'm going to hammyton tomorrow to look at some places.

it's not so much the fact that i have to live off-campus. that, i can live with. it's the fact that i did this to myself, and so stupidly. i can't say "i didn't know" because i totally knew. i did it knowing the consequences, and relying on that luck. andrew once told me that i'd never learn my lesson because i've always coasted through everything, with people giving me the benefit of the doubt.

ohh..

the hardest lessons to learn are the ones you already knew.

and so, the saga continues:

i'm writing letters to all the other universities i applied to, asking them to take me in, and oh yeah, can you throw in a room in rez?

life changes so quickly in a few days. it's only been three.

Hello Stephanie,

Unfortunately, the chances of you getting a space in residence are very
slim. Our residences are completely full, and I don't feel very positive
about 463 people withdrawing from residence. I strongly suggest that you
look for off-campus housing.


at least he's honest.

Steph! Oh my God that sucks huge ass!
My friend that is your age is living off campus this(upcoming) as more space in the house she is looking at.... its a suggestion, she said rent is really reasonable and it is really close to campus and plus you'll get your own room... I'll get details ASAP, but I'm sure you'll get into residence, but if not hopefully this might help you out. If your interested let me know, or call me or I'll call you, but I don't have your #, so email me it and I'll let you know as soon as possible about the house. I can't believe this! This pisses me off so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway, I'll let you know soon, don't worry, your mother will be upset, but she'll understand, if I hear that anything else about ppl dropping out of rez I'll let you know. Fuck! Don't worry, I'm sure everything will turn out okay! Talk to ya soon!!
alli

she sounds somewhat genuine.
aw what am i talking about?!

all our plans...

i can admit that it's an impossible scenario (yet it supposedly happened to my cousin, as well as my godmom's daughter) that a university would suddenly take me in, as well as give me a room in rez, but if that DID happen, it's very possible i would take them up, and leave Mac.

that makes me doubt my decision to go to mac in the first place.

ohh....I'M SUCH A FUCKING SHITHEAD!

i've never done such a fucking stupid thing. i can confidently say: sending that letter the way i sent it was the stupidest thing i've ever done. so, sending that letter was the stupidest thing i've ever done.

i feel better admitting how incredibly idiotic i was in putting myself in this situation.

i'll think that i'm okay with it. then i'll remember how NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING IF I DIDN'T JUST FUCKING COURIER THE LETTER!! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!??!?

...

it's going to be a while before i stop posting about this.

So a penguin brings his broken car to his mechanic. The penguin tells the mechanic something is wrong with his car and asks him to check it out. The mechanic circles the penguin's car, looks around it a bit and then stops, having formed his automotive diagnosis. The mechanic tells the penguin "You've blown a seal"......the penguin looks at him and says, "Oh no. I just ate ice cream"....

- Krystian

still 463...

so i'm here again. and yesterday's post is as well. from this i can conclude that no, it is not all just a bad dream. it's always good to know.

the fact that i wasn't wearing pants during the whole ordeal is a kind of strange comfort. i make sure to mention how i wasn't wearing any pants to everyone i tell the tale to.

Laura says:
aw..
Steph says:
yeah, and with a broken beer bottle at my feet.
Laura says:
now that's just trashy.

prom sounded awesome!

i want to die so badly.
i'm not coming out tonight.
i feel so sick.

i'm on the waiting list to get into residence.
i had a guaranteed spot.
i mailed out my acceptance too fucking late
so now i'm on the waiting list.

i'm number four-hundred and fucking sixty three.

the highest number was 48-something.

there is no way in hell 463 people are going to decide they don't want to go to mac/live on campus.

i can't believe this.

i want to die. i can't tell my mom.

she is already so mad and disappointed that i chose mac.

i can't believe this.

i hate myself.

it's all my fault.

why didn't i just mail by courier!?

i even paused the second before dropping the mail in the box.

and thought: this might not get there on time.

i stood there for 30 seconds, with the mail half in-half out of the slot. thinking..

and i just dropped it in.
and thought: no big deal.

and walked home.

i want to die.

so usually when i get into blogger, i don't have anything in to say, but i end up writing a buttload of a post. so maybe that'll happen here.

hm..maybe not.

buttload. that's classy.
and assy!

grad was alright. i didn't think it was boring, but that's probably because i was graduating, and because i didn't have a programme. i didn't feel moved though. josie was totally shafted. i didn't tell her because i didn't know if it would only make her feel shafted, but i figure she might as well know that a bunch of people agreed with me that she was (Shafted) and deserved to be better recognized for all her efforts. shafted shafted shafted

there..

i cancelled my flying lesson today because i've been really dizzy since i woke up. my flying instructor's name is phil. he used to be the chief flight instructor at the airport i'm doing my thang (ablah..) at, but after he suffered a suprise heart attack (he was a health nut.) and diagnosed with prostate cancer..they thought maybe it wouldn't be a good idea for him to do that anymore.

so i have a flight instructor who has had sudden heart attacks.

he's a good teacher. but SO BORING!

he told me he'd understand if i didn't want him to be my instructor. i was all: whatev.

ahahahaw.

i have a lot to do. all of them involve writing letters.

tanya sent me a package a while ago. it was full of things like a brochure to university of utah, where she wants to go, an autographed photo of the Touched By An Angel cast (...???) that she didn't want, but thought maybe i'd enjoy it (...!! does anyone want it?), a playbill from her school's West Side Story, with little remarks about random people in it..and so on. she had written a couple of magic marker notes. one said "don't take as long as i did to write back!"
but i will.

recently she sent a little envelope. it was a card from her graduation (very fancy!) and a picture of herself. hahahhahaa i laughed hard at it.
i guess she's heading towards drama/arts/dancing or something like that, and so she has headshots of herself.

she looks really old in them.

i should write back soon.

i end with this:
josie was shafted.
boo.

and maybe this as well:
sharon smells like ass.

yesterday I saw shannon's friend brittney at dairy queen. i had a strawberry shortquake blizzard. it was gross. but tasted exactly as it should. so why did i get it? because the ad convinced me my life would be better if i had one. i took one bite, and threw the cup at the wall. "damn you dairy queen! how could you do this to me?"

i also saw melissa. i was on my way out and i heard "sstephaaanieeee". (i just realized you can't hear that. well, it's not a death-moan, though it looks like it was. it was an opera-sing-song). i looked over and she was there with two other girls. one looked like she thought mel was hilarious, but was too scared to laugh. the other looked like she wanted to kill someone. perhaps she also had a strawberry shortquake?

everytime i see melissa, she's hanging out with a totally new group of people. floater, indeed.

i used the term "floater" to sharon once, and she thought i was talking about "crap that floats in the toilet bowl."

i turned and it took a while to recognize who i was looking at, especially because mel looked away when i looked over. i said hi! and she said: well hi there. how's it goin'? in this booming voice. it sounded like she was a 50 year old car salesman.

i have a headache.

my mom got mad at me yesterday. (i was being an ass. although, if i could go back in time...i'd probably act exacly the same) she apologized this morning. she leaves for work at crazy-early hours, when i'm still sleeping. but for some reason, she thinks that if she talks to me when i'm lying still in bed, with my eyes closed, i can hear her and understand her. maybe she knows i can't. so she'll get me to agree to things i wouldn't normally agree to. it's a little annoying though, when you're trying to remember if you were told to meet at someplace at a certain time, but you can't tell if it was a dream or not.

ooga...
going to grandview this weekend. it's up north...somewhat. my mom has a medical lecture there, of course. all there is is golf.

i wonder if i ever wanted a pony.

celebrity secrets

tom hanks:
"The 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said 'looks like we're a couple of peeing Toms.' His angry silence is something I'll never forget."

"Tom Hanks isn't my real name. My real name is Hank Toms."

gwyenth paltrow:
"You'd never know it by my movies but I haven't taken a shower in seven years. I smell like an old dumpster. Take it or leave it boys."

"Halle Berry totally stole the whole crying-when-you-win-your-Oscar thing from me. Also, all that other stuff about opening the door for other black actresses, that was mine too."

"I'm superstitious. Before I start a new movie, I also kill a hobo with a hammer."

"In Shakespeare in Love, I played a woman playing a man playing a woman. In actuality, I am a man who was playing a woman, playing a man, playing a woman. My apologies to anyone who's ever whacked off to me."


George Takei:
"In the first season, the transporter that beamed people on and off the Enterprise was just a shower, and instead of visiting other worlds we would just fly near them, shower, and then leave."

"One time during a Star Trek taping, Captain Kirk said 'Warp speed Mr. Sulu.' I replied, 'Glurp speed Mr. Bulu.' He then angrily repeated 'Warp speed Mr. Sulu!' And I said 'yorp speed sister Gululu!' My idol was Jerry Lewis."

"Once, we gave Star Trek creator Gene Rodenberry a big basket of berries that we labeled "Rodenberries". They were actually month-old cherries and he was pretty pissed off."


you'd think i'd have something better to do.

and i do.
but still...

i've lost my sense of smell!
really. i noticed this morning.
maybe that's why my cheese bagel doesn't taste right.

i took some really gross medicine last night, for me sinuses. my mom is being really motherly since last night. last night was the big ... i don't want to say climax, because that word just doesn't sit well with me, but it was one of those. then after that, things have started to calm down. my first flying lesson is tomorrow. i'm not sure if i'm doing any actual flying, or groundschooling, or just setting lesson dates with the instructor, whose name is aaron.

i saw the king and i play in stratford on saturday with mom and dandy andy as well. it was okay. the actors were really good, the kids were trying too hard to be cute, the jokes were always poking fun at women or siamese, and in the end, it seemed they were saying west is best...et cetera et cetera et cetera.
the lady in front of my had a good time. she kept laughing and swinging her head back. but EVERYTIME it would hit my knee, and EVERYTIME she'd just lay it there for a while.

get this:
people i know are going to mac:
-justin r (science)
-ashley l (social science)
-jeff g (?is he even going???)
-laura (science)
-allison (health science)
-abeer (science)
-amanda (health science)

i'm not sure if it's a good thing, to know people when you're going into university. especially when so many are in the same program as yourself.
i have a big unfounded issue against the health science program. at least, against how everyone thinks it's really great. yeah, unfounded, but most opinions are.

aghhh! smell overload! this morning, when i realized i had lost my sense of smell, i was trying to smell everything, including these new aromatherapy oils naureen gave us. i had just smelt them yesterday, so i was trying really hard to smell something. and it got on my nose! so now my sense of smell is coming back. and it's all i can smell!! gaaahhh...stupid "ocean sands".

ahh now-delicious cheese bagel. my only solace.

for physics: i haven't written out a crib sheet. i hope he gave us those specific review questions on purpose, because those are the only ones i'll be doing.

Tickets go on sale : 10:00am 21st June 2003

last night was fun. it was enjoyable through and through.

i like times like those, where it wasn't anything spectacular or out-of-the-ordinary (well. for us to actually organize and go through with a plan, maybe it was out-of-the-ordinary), but you look back on it as one of the most significant and fondest memories you'll have.

or maybe i'm just drunk. "i love you, man!"

i let my mom down because i chose mac over UT.
it's not sent out yet. i could still change it. i am seriously considering it, it's that bad.
like hell i will...
but still. if i ever have a bad time next year, she will always say: told you so.
if i do well, she will say: look, you could have handled UT.

i feel like disappearing. or dying. whichever comes first.

she is so mad at me for choosing mac. such disappointment. it's not sad disappointment. it's angry disappointment. complete with slamming of pens, hesitation to sign my acceptance form, ridicule of school, questioning of "where i got these ideas from" (because god forbid i have an independent thought once in a while), telling me not to let any "male members of the family (gee. wonder who she is talking about) tell me im not good enough for UT".

i can't breathe, nor sleep; my throat is closing up. probably because jen's cat was in the room with us last night. i didnt' know i was allergic. live and learn. (then get luvs. NOW, bitch!)

everything sucks.

ohhh pity me.

it's true, nothing gold can stay.
i guess if it did, it wouldn't be as valued.

radiohead - august 16th.

my throat hurts.
the concert was good. i really like those kids. moreso because of the kind of people they seem to be, than their music.
hadn't seen a couple people in a while. other than that, it was the typical group.
we were split up, some on lawn, some in floor.
they came to visit for a bit. we had good seats on the lawn. but we were split up. and as usual, ended up standing around waiting for people. only to find out they had already left, without saying goodbye, and without taking their stuff with them.
it DOES seem forced.
went to jen's after driving a couple people home. strange moment, during a would-be goodbye. i wonder if it was intentional. i wasn't mad at the time, but now i'm annoyed at the whole stupidity of the situation. stupid ass.
alexguy said something that suprised me. but then again, i guess it sounded like i was compliment fishing.
i'll elaborate later, if i remember.

today, naureen (mark's friend) said mac is billed as ontario's friendliest college/university. whoopee.
really though, the people there are pretty nice. but then again, all the people i talked to are being paid to get people to go there.

hi you! i was thinking , i wish i got to talk to you more, but i know im busy, and you probably are too. and i think its sad that we never talk anymore, so when summer is finally here, we should do something!!
this happens almost yearly. around this time.

here's a big "fuck you" to the guy who took apart a perfectly good friendship.

way to change things, and for absolutely no reason.

"i like to just go for it, and figure out why later."
good job, jackass.

i need sleep like you need to get lost.

now it sounds like ...
agh...
the breathing is so distracting.

now there's this "bwooo" noise, like the noise that super mario brothers makes when you jump. except deeper.

i bet the player is friends with those guys at disney who put dirty whisperings into their movies.
oo shifty eyes abound.

formusichistoryformusichistoryformusichistoryformusichistory

i say that a lot.
anyways, for music history:
there are strange noises on the recordings my teacher gave me to listen to.
it sounds like irregular breathing.
like a fat man trying to quietly walk up a set of stairs, without anyone knowing he's exhausted.

i think it's the performer!
why is s/he breathing so strangely...
..iee...
blow your damn nose! you're ruining it for all of us!

"The fourth movement is a monumental sonata form in which two themes in C major are opposed to one in G. The Development is marked by dynamic rhythm and free modulation. Then -- an amazing stroke! -- Beethoven brings back the "three shorts and a long" as they appeared in the third movement."
-Machlis, pg. 246: The Enjoyment of Music

hahaha I'll say!
this author is so passionate, you can't help but laugh at the incredible corniness.

what else is there...
"For one moment in the history of music all opposites were reconciled, all tensions resolved. That luminous moment was Mozart."

aahahaha first prize.

well, at least he tries. and i guess it does make it all more interesting. i bet he wears suspenders. checkered ones. and a piano keyboard tie. definately balding. hm. that seems more ska than anything else. ah well. works for me.
actually, i picture him being that one "quizmaster" from school reach tournament. the short fat one, the one who quizmastered the game between us and quinte. the one who made the dumb joke about us not knowing anything on straits, so maybe we'd do better on questions about gays.

there must be better ones, i swear i've had to read them. but this is probably getting somewhat annoying.
more later, perchance.

today was one of the best days i've had in a while.
i couldn't stop laughing during the mass. somewhere around the zulu mme.marchand started rattling off, i gave up. that was when mrs.t turned to me and said: "you were having a hard enough time holding the candle still before the zulu, weren't you...". when the graduates in the front rows were holding all the candles, and the rest of the "congregation" was seated, all i could think of (through my laughter) was how, being in the last row of the graduates, everyone could see my ass twitching. i wanted to tell someone, but i knew that would just make me twitch more. mr.stuart's band-aid on his neck was the worst. laurie pointed it out and it went from there. julia pointed it out again to me, when i was starting to calm down, but that only made it worse. i still don't know why it was funny.

what else was there? should i bother naming them? it's more for my enjoyment than yours. zach's face to stefan's singing was offensive, but funny.

today i had the sudden urge to go to prom. no no. for sentimental reasons.

otherwise, yes, i guess i can be pretty shallow.

i told mark about the grad mass today, and it turns out "time of your life" - green day was HIS graduating class's song too. oh scandal.

today i found out what cameltoe was, thanks to laurie, though she doesn't know it. that sounds like laurie has cameltoe. i'll leave it.

i'm off to eat veg, as my aunt calls it.
yetserday i ate dinner at my aunt's house. we ate full-bodied shrimp. you had to pull off their heads, shells, and limbs yourself. i kept pulling off the "skull", exposing what was left of the brain, but leaving the "face" on. it's hard not to. andrew squirted "shrimp" brain juice "at" me "numerous" "times".

yesterday i hated where i was, couldn't go through another day of school.
today i wanted to stay, couldn't think of leaving.
tomorrow it'll all be different, but the same.

josie gave me her blessing in posting this story.

a while ago i was talking about getting a roommate at Mac, and how i was worried about a) farts, and b) music.
andrew has an oversexed roomie. i guess i should worry about that as well, but i won't.
anyways, i said something about imagining josie as my roommate. the story i was talking about was this:

josie and i had been roomates in china for the first little while, and had gotten pretty comfortable with it. then one day, near the end of the trip, everyone's roommates were switched around. i ended up staying with ashely l for a while, and josie was with samantha k. it was fine with ashely; she went to sleep early, and it wasn't very exciting, but no problems. the next day, josie runs up to me, laughing that way that tells you she has a funny story that's either making fun of someone else, or making fun of herself. she tells me about how she had forgotten she wasn't roomates with me that night, and came out of the bathroom drinking a glass of water, with her pants unzipped, and belched.

a) the look on samantha's face
b) the fact that that was normal for josie and i, as roomies.

number of people
killed in 9/11: 4000
dying of AIDS in Africa every day: 8000

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen (1935 - ), "Without Feathers"

now that i've found it, it's safe to tell you about how i lost the acceptance to the acceptance sheet from Mac.

i've never had a heart attack before, but i think i know how one would feel, now

if i wasn't me, i'd be sick of my whining.
i like to think i keep my own complaining to a minimum.
but the last two weeks have been really bad.
i think i just want to talk to someone about it. and have them just sit there and listen.

i like to think that the have that one big issue because it's not too much that they can't handle it, but it's not too much that they don't learn and grow from it. but that's bordering on fate and all that bullshit. i guess it is pretty difficult to see everything (culture, society, technology, language, emotion, life..etc) as a big fluke. i.e. the fact that something must have came from nothing at one point, and it all lead to this. maybe god really did just make some laws, then decided to see how everything pans out. if there even is such a thing. it's a little scary to think there is no higher being.

either way, by the time i find out, it won't really matter to me, will it.

We never change do we?
We never learn do we?
So I want to live in a wooden house
Making more friends would be easy

Oh and I don't have a soul to save,
Yes and I sin every single day

We never change do we?
We never learn do we?

So I want to live in a wooden house
Making more friends would be easy
I want to live where the sun comes out


who knows what the hell coldplay was talking about there. but it seems to fit right now.

i'm tired of feeling so unhappy and disappointed with everything. being pessimistic really is easier, though. well, perhaps not pessimistic. it's moreso being realistic. it's too bad realism is closer to pessimism than anything else.

we talked about steve for maybe half a second today. but i think sometimes about how he's a really nice guy. he's different, i hope. i wish i'd been nicer to him.

i don't like how i'm becoming so eager to move along. in a few years i'll be wondering where time went, and thinking about how short my youth was.

so for a little while, someone was listening last night. this whole situation was literally created around me, and i was forced into it. and i'm constantly being forced to choose. even refusing to choose is a choice. and no matter what, everyone gets hurt. it's never about me, but it's always through me.

i want to talk, but i know you don't really want to listen.

i wonder what the people i'm going to meet in september are doing right now, this second. i wonder what they're like.

i feel odd
ly like how i should.

"Come to the edge
He said. They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge
He said. They came.
He pushed them, and
they flew..."
-Guillaume Apollinaire

everything was pissing me off so much today.
i'm exactly how i was about two semesters ago...
it's pretty sad how i've gone back to how i was, as if the whole thing never happened.

damn, so many people annoyed the hell out of me today.
no beach day
no prom
no dances for me.
and i'm pretty sure i really prefer it that way.

funny referrals:

"lor scouts in diapers" (lord of the rings scouts in diapers? dammit, i knew i fell asleep during that movie.)
"genetalia insults" (to insult someone else's genetalia with, perhaps? "your penis is stooooopid!!")
"boobius maximus" (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA)

aw. i hope they found what they were looking for.

two worries
about getting a roommate. i will have to make sure to discuss them with whoever my roomie will be as soon as i meet them.
"before we start, i'd like to know your protocol on farts, as well as your views on music and music levels."

allison said that she wouldn't care. "if we're roomies", she said, "i'll let you fart music whenever you want."
but we decided not to request each other.

my mother was not impressed at all by our visit to mac.

my father tells me i will have to spend half a day every weekday of the summer, on getting the license.
i dont' know how this will work out. it could go either way.

for now, i will imagine what it would be like if josie were my roommate.


that space up there had a little anecdote about josie in china, and it's hilarious, but i'm not sure if she'd appreciate me repeating it.
oh so funny. not at her. with her.

skipped again today.
usually i give up on school about a month early. at least this time i'm about three weeks late on the whole giving up on school thing.

i hope my mom is happy this summer.